Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
