omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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