I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
