She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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