Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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