I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
