I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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