Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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