my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
pray to the hookup gods
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
