I love black thongs
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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