So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
