just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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