And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
