i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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