If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
