I didn't shave. On purpose
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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