Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
