Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
