I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
