i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
