I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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