So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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