We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
