I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
