Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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