I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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