If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
