I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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