wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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