shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
After last night, I could never be a politician.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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