Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
