I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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