god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Let's paint friendship bongs
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just want to make out with him forever
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
