Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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