apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
