I want to have your abortion
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
