Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
