Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
