Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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