chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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