We need to rekindle our bromance
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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