I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
