Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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