I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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