wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is it because I queefed?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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