So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
