yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
