Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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