I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
