R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
