theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
