seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
