Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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