I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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