WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
