Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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