If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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