you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
