i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
