it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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