You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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